There is a certain, predictable, but no less harrowing cycle that comes with baby-induced sleep deprivation. Was it yesterday or the day before where I had reached that low of lows where I could do little other than pretend I wasn’t about to cry.
Oh, yes, that was Sabbath, our day when Mom and Liana take the children to church and we have a few hours to enjoy together. Yes, that was that day. What a sad, sad waste of those glorious hours. Although, it was really sweet to be consoled (cajoled?), soothed, and ushered off for a nap by an attentive and loving husband.
Yes, this is the point when I remember fondly those days when Levi only woke up three times a night (and I complained!!!????!!!!). The last week or so he’s been waking every hour or less, with his longest sleep being between 6am and 8am. And as soon as I lay him in his bed, he wakes up, wanting to nurse and nurse and nurse and nurse.
This is the point when I hear of other people whose babies are sleeping longer (or worse, have advice for me and my dilemma…as if we haven’t already tried everything) and I am overcome by an violent inner impulse to tear my hair out or smash something.
And then I sink into hopelessness.
This is the way it’s always going to be. I’m always going to be half a person, the rest of me submerged somewhere in the murky waters of tiredness. And when it goes on long enough, I begin to think that maybe there is no more to me other than this zombie-like creature. Maybe the brighter, more enthusiastic me has been obliterated in the struggle. Maybe it never existed at all, who knows.
Yes, this is the point where I don’t even want to go to bed. It’s just too much of an undertaking.
Oh, how glad I am that this is sabbatical time. That it is a workable solution for me to take the night shift and Devo to wake up early with the girls and let me sleep in a little. We’re looking ahead to our honeymoon, I mean, anniversary,Sl this weekend when we will sleep uninterrupted and get to sleep in as long as we want. I’m sure Mom is not looking forward to it quite as enthusiastically. Bless her.
You know, it’s really too bad God doesn’t answer prayers about babies sleeping. Why didn’t Jesus think to say, “If you ask for your baby to sleep through the night, it will happen”? Maybe because then all the parents of the world would convert just for that. I would.
So, no advice tonight, please. I currently don’t have any goodwill to receive it with. Maybe another night. But for all of you who know what I’m talking about, or can just imagine it…if you could send some sleep my way, I’d really appreciate it.