I’m not an over-indulger. You won’t find me having more than one or two pieces of (dark) chocolate from my stashed See’s at one time. It’s not my issue.
I am, however, personally and actively engaged in a struggle with under-indulgence, paucity, and an abiding sense of scarcity. We all have our problems. I think over-indulgence and under-indulgence are often just two sides of the same coin.
I have this pattern stamped on my brain. Perhaps it’s familiar to you.
Self-sacrifice, martyred self-sacrifice, desperate self-sacrifice, over-indulgence. Repeat.
My particular version seems to end with “be scared of over-indulgence and the ensuing fallout, and therefore swing in the exact opposite direction”.
It’s one of those voices in my head that I’m in serious conversation with these days. Noticing the ideas and words and voices that shape my actions and reactions seems to be part of this year’s journey. I’ve taken a very active stance on the crap from the past. I dig it up and bring it to light. Light robs darkness of its power.
I’m tired of feeling that if I live a life of constant “worthy work” (in my family we call that the Calvinistic work ethic) with a pervasive dose of asceticism, then I will be doing the right thing. I will be worthy. I will be good.
The truth is that I don’t believe that voice anymore. It’s time for my life to reflect what I truly believe, and it’s time to rout out all of lingering manifestations of such a lie.
I’m learning how to embrace good things and enjoy good things from a place of wholeness.
That concept of wholeness completely changes the whole picture. Suddenly it’s not about too much or not enough. It’s about goodness and opening ourselves up to it.
I can’t get this post of Rebecca’s out of my head. She talks about her journey towards learning to choose herself (from a place of wholeness!) and tells this story:
A while ago someone asked, “And what are you doing?” I laughed and answered, “Anything I please.” Up gushed the concern. “Oh. How is that working for everyone else?” No doubt the household barely functions and discontent is rife, may have been the subtext. Turning to my husband, I queried, “How’s it working for you, Ken?” He eyes crinkled with a smile. “Just fine.”
Oh, did I react strongly to that “How is that working for everyone else?” That is the voice that I have been working so hard to eradicate from my inner dialogue.
I love Ken’s answer, it almost brought tears to my eyes when I first read it. “Just fine.” It diffuses the entire struggle. It comes from a place of wholeness.
Here are a couple of links to blogs that embody embracing goodness in the best possible way.
Posie Gets Cozy (I know I’m always linking to Posie, but bear with me, okay?)
Enjoy and embrace something good today. Not too much, not too little. Just good, from a place of wholeness.